little_firestar: (b&w clint)
I'm that close to having a nervous breakdown.
This morning I dared to ask if my brother Drew was ok with me taking next Thursday afternnon off, as I have some paperwork to deliver to our accountant to start the inheritance procedure for my grandfather; I also have to go the Automobile Assocaition (The Automibile Club Italy) to work on the passage from him to my mother and my grandmother, AND on the passage of the telephone and electrical bills from him to them.
(Also, I'd need to get the documents ready to ask for the artisanal excellency- but I hope I'll be able to do that on Monday, when I have my free day.)
I got called names. igot lectured, like I was expecting who knows what, words and tone laced with venom hissed from his mouth  "Yeah, like I've never covered for you!"
I just told him, because I needed to know if he had already other appointments, otherwise I would have rescheduled. I told him so that he would know that I NEED to do that and he wouldn't take any personal appointments. I wasn't odering him around. Wasn't expecting anything. I'm not even doing anything FOR ME. It's for the family, and it's something I'll not benefit from, as a grand-daughter, for the Italian Law and succession I may as well don't exist. I do that so others don't have to. And because, frankly, it's expected me to- as all I ever hear is, "Havent' you done it?" "What are you waiitng for?"  Like I didn't have a job that keeps me busy 6 days a week, with consuming hours.
I never ask for days oof. Not even when I'm sick. And then I got threated like that, called a vermin, a dick's head? And my mother ask me why i don't go to yoga or take that photography lessons I wanted to?
Because I don't have time. And because I would get lectured that they are pointless and don't have any usage in life, and frankly, I'm tires as it is of fighting for serious issues, I don0t feel like addind to the the pile of crap the little things.
I AM TIRED. TOO DAMN TIRED. AND WITH A DAMN KNOT IN MY THROAT MANACING TO ESCAPE AND MAKE ME CRY. AND I NEVER CRY.
little_firestar: (Default)
 Yesterday I've seena  person I'm not on good terms with any longer; she is a member of my family, but her recent behavior got me to put some distance between us. As many of you may know, I love animals -there's a good chance I love them more than a good number of people I had the (mis)fortune of meeting - and another one of my interests, hobbies, if you like, is photography.
Recently, I was selected to be the tester for anew company that prints pictures  and related products on-line, and I decided to take advantage of this by printing a photo-book with few selected subjects I took in the last few years.
My mother had the brillant idea of showing it to this member of the family and her partner; they tossed it aside, grunting soemthing that sounded like "Oh, yeah, the band" and tsking. 
At the same time, they took their phone and showed us, all proud and giggling,  pictures and recording from the people this relative works and used to work for; children, their children and their children and so on, and she started to talk about them like they were the greatest and most incredible person on the planet- all doctors and the sort, rich people who own houses all around the world, whose children went to study abroad and a couple of them even own their own plane.
And guess what?
None of them regularised her in all the years she had worked for them (and in some cases, it's been over 12 years).
So, really, what's so great about them and thier children? As I see it, there's a clear lack of respect for her, denying her a retirment plan by not regularizing her position, and there's nothing to be so proud and giggling about.
Uhm. At least my cats show me love by purring. and they mean it.  
little_firestar: (spock)
 Family's really... a guessing game, sometimes (because I really don't know how else I am supposed to describe it).
Pick my aunts, for example. And I am saying this because I am quite... annoyed? Mad? Enraged? Ah. I can't even take a propeer adjective. 
What happened? Easy. It happened that my aunt Luise-daddy's youngest sister - has been a bitch (and I hope you'll forgive me my Franchesism).  Few months ago, she and my dad's other sister, Laura, got into a fight (in which Luise's husband got involved as well); my father, because he lives far from them (over 200 km) and because they are both his sisters (and frankly, none of them was completely right, nor wrong) didn't take a side.  Unfortunately, the fight escalated, and aunt Laura fought with Luise's husbands as well, said everything she thought about him (which isn't nice, nor has ever been. Despite her saying the contrary, I know that she has always, always spoken badly of him, and tried to get Luise to break up with him since 1996, when they started dating). My father didn't pick Laura's side; on the contrary, he remembered her that acting that way was just going to alienate their sister, and he didn't want that; he only got to see Luise once a year, best case scenario, and he didn't want to lose her. 
So, he decided to be the pacekeaper-also because he is the eldest, so, yeah, kind of feeling like it was his role, all right? 
So, he called. And called, and called... the phone always rang, and in the rare cases someone answered, it was always her husband. Either she wasn't there, or it was "sorry, I am losing you" and he hanged up and turned off the phone. And that, for months. We even met him at an exibition few months ago, and even if he acted with completely nonchalance and friendly (do you know, the stupid kind of way? All snaky smiles and pats on the back?), when asked about Luise, he answered that she was "Oh, somewhere, looking for a parking spot."
Really? Even if he had told her that she didn't need her driving license any longer now that she was married with him and her license had been expired for over a DECADE? Nice. I bet she was back home, but ehy, who knows. maybe she was driving around the city of Cuneo with her driving license expired, uncaring that, if discovered, the would have taken away her car and sold it...
But, anyway, were was I? Oh, yes, months and months of no contacts, no words. And, well, daddy is  alittle paranoid. And my brother Drew too. So, when you hear every day at the news (and yes, we do) about woemn found in refrigerators, killed by partner (2 times last week), if you are a little paranoid, you get depressed. And worried. And when you call and call and no one answers...
so, daddy took his car, drove for 200 km (with the excuse that he was going to see someone for a work-related thing) and knocked at her door.
And yeah, she was there, in her house in the middle of the forest (for real, I am not exagerating), and when she saw her older brother after almost two years, after having gone for almost one without hearing his voice, you know what she did?
She talked with him accross the yard, not even bothering to open the gate. with her whole "Yes, I received your mail, I received your fax, I received your messagges. No, I don't want to come and celebrate your 60th birthday with the rest of the family. No, I don't want to get involved with the rest of the family. Oh, wait, you expected me to at least giving you a sign that I was alive and answer with even just a text? Silly me..."
Yesterday evening, my father cried. HE CRIED. this sixty years old man, big and strong, he cried. Because he ahd tried to take the side of each sister, and he ahd ended up being shout out from Luise's life. 
Frankly, I don't care if she did it because her husband told her to, but... well, he wasn't there, so she could have at least talked. pretended to be nice, or... whatever you do with your brother. it's just...
If she is happy that way, all right, no problem. But you don't cut people out that way. You don't want tires any longer, want to cut them? You shout the door in their face. You tell them that you don't want to have nothing to do with them any longer. in their faces. 
So, yeah. People are messy. And families... even more so.

Nov. 15th, 2013 09:51 am

pissed off

little_firestar: (mission impossible hawkeye brandt)
I just had an argument with my fathger-which escalated into an argument with my brother. and for once in my life, I am grateful that mum decided to stay out of this-otherwise I would have argued with ehr too.
I am on edge, I am well aware of this, but I have had a fever for the last few days, incessanr headaches, my eyes are hurting and dry and I lacked of sleep. And yet, I have been going to work as well, because my brother can't stand being inn-even if he didn't have the fever- but hey, I am a woman, so, if no one can take my place but I am ill, who cares? I am suppossed to do so, all right?
So, yeah, I am not well.
Today Drew retirned- even if I hadn't been told so- and first thing first, he lectured me. I talked back, and my father overheard the argument. And what did he do?
"LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR BROTHER" and he didn't ven try to listen to me.  But why should he? Her was the one who accised me of wanting to not go to school because of bad grades when, in truth,  I was having pancreatic deasese back in high school. But did he listen to me when I tried to explain myself? No. I had to bed to change my doctor-who supported him- to actually get diagnosed over half an year later.
Lately, with Drew, had been happening the same thing. Drew is... complicated. always on edge, he explodes for less than nothing, even for just soemone looking in his general direction. and when he explodes without reasosn, or he accuses me of soemthing that maybe I did because someone else told me it was supposed to be done that way... I get mad, because I can stand just so much water, and eventually the last drop arrives.
And when it did, it's always my fault. 
Tags:
little_firestar: (Default)
Things aren't good.
lately, I've spent more time argiung with the people around me, snapping at them, crying because of them, and as much as I could blame hormones, it's not on them, not completely, at least.
life sucks, that's all.
I'm living with people who can't stand me, hates me. I wish I'd grown up in a normal family, but I didn't, instead, I was looked after by a crazy old woamn - grandmother- who thought necessary expaling to a 8 years old how brothels worked, because at grandpa's time everyone visited them, him as well, and because all females where whores..
for a good part of my life, I idiolized my grandparents. I did, really. dad used to say that mum and me were going to die along with them, so much we loved them.  I've been around people piut into hopsices and such, abandoned them, and swore to never do that to them. so, when granddad got worse, we were more than hapy to taken them in with us, make them even a bigger part of our lives, ahving them close- closer.
but the bigger the love, the greatest the hate.
For two years, I've been told that my parents are bastards, and that I'm as well, that Drew is a retarded, I've been said that I'm a whore as well- apparently- all females nowadays are.
At least, tehey used to have the decency of talking about us at high voice at night, when we weren't supposed to hear, or between closed door.
now? grandmother INSULTED ME while at her doctor. dyabtes is getting worse, even if we know she don't pay attention and steal food from the kitchen just to get us worried, and at her last check up, she look at me disgusted the whole time, going on and on with the fact that I should live a war because she did, and I dare to look after cats and I sued toc are for my sick dog while they were at war, and so should I do as well. 
she wnats me to suffer war, death and all that jazz. her words: I HOPE YOU'LL GET TO SEE ANOTHER WORLD WAR., and she dared to call my aunt's girlfriend a male because she is sleeping with a woman.
mental issues are normal in her family, but unfrotunately, tehy often ended up getting dangerous - she almost hit me because I ahd put under charge my mobile in the living room, that's apparently hers.
I'm scared. and I'm a prisoner in my own home, sleeping with a locked door at night, becaus,e you never know
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little_firestar: (Default)
lately, I've been a bit absent from all things fandoms, and I'm sorry, especially towards the authors I usually took time to read and review. Life's been quite excitc and full, with me getting theraphy for my back (no operation in the near future, by the way!) and having to watch after the new dog almost 24/7. Which, I'm telling you, is extremely tiring.
My mother's parents, living with us, also took a lot of my time. I've never been bothered to have to help watching after them, I've always loved them. but lately, as I not only noticed, but understood that they only feel disgust towards us, it's getting hard. And I can't even start to blame old age for that, and the parkinson (him) and the dementia (her) because now, looking back at eery words I've heard, everything that it's been done towards me and the family by them, I see that love has never been part of the equation, nor respect. According to the, they had mum because they were going to need soemone to look after them when they were going to be of age, and everything they did for her was because "what's people going to think about us?" they dìidn't even bothered buying her books for school for God's sake, they forgot to get her when she was barely 6 and had to walk kilometrees in the mud and in the snow to come back home in the dark of an isolated village,in order to get back home from school and when she couldn't fidn a job after ONE WEEK school was over, she ahd to accept a job at over 200 km away, just to be taken back by the same parents who sent her there to beging with, just when she ahd been promoted to concierge of the hotelm because if she decided to get married there, what people was going to say, and mostly, what were supposed to do, if they were going to need her?
and, well, hearing sentences like "I'd wish that there was a war right now, to get rid of all those usless youth" it's not exactly nice. Shouldn't people subbosed to be glad that we are living in a relatively peaceful environemnt, and nazis aren't thowing bombs on our heads? and let's not start when they tell mother "I'm not faking being blind like someoen here" (implying that,e ven if she has just 2/20, she is indeed faking it to get money out of them)
and let's not forget the most amazing thing of tehm all: while thye are good and pure even if tehy spedn theri whole time talking about all teh "whores" (their word) grandpa had slept with in his youth, and how he went to brothels (carefully expalining to her - AND us- how the worked), since there are condoms and pills, all the women are sluts spending theri time sleeping around. and yes, that includes my mum and, yes, me. because, Apparently, I can be in two palces at once, and while I'm home or on the job or at hospital with them because of soemthing or soemthing else, I0'm also somewhere else getting laid, and maybe getting paid for it. (And no, I',m not thinking it, they've just been that smart to say it at loud late at night, while I was in the kitchen getting water ). 
Shocking that what makes me madder than everything is teh fact that, when we are around, our dogs and cats are just perfect and marvelous, while, as soon as we give them our back, they kicks them in the guts, litterally.
Unfortunately, they are family, and social workers told us that they aren't going to change, so we have toi endure this aas long as they'll be alive. this to say that I envy most of you, who live in a  normal environemnt, with loving grandparents who shouldn't suffer.  I'm not saying I'd wish for them to feel any kind of pain, just... it makes me wonder, why good pople has to suffer, and someoen who's basically evil all over is alwasy ok, and will probably outlive some other members of the family. This week a cousin of mine died, at the age of 59. he had a son and a daughter, and a grandchild, whom he was extremely exstatic about, on the way, and even if he was related to grandmother (she even was his Godmother), she didn't say a nice words about him, who's always been good to everybody, because of a single mistake, quite stupid and innocent, he did when he was 14.
it's just not fair.  
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little_firestar: (Default)
During Christmas break, my aunt and her flatmate and long-time friend (I've known Tricia my whole life, and is, pratically, like a real aunt for me) have come to visit for few days.
Most of the times, I've been more than happy, but... something happened that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about. Also because I think dad noticed it, and know... well, let's say I got some info I wasn't supposed to have and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with them.
My grandmother died when I was barely six. I didn't see her so much, since we lived at over 100 km of distance, and when she died, since she had lost long before I was born a leg, I assumed it was cancer - bone cancer. don't ask me if I just assumed it on my own or I was told. I don't know.  This is what I've beleived, and what I,m basically, was been told, untill few years ago. and what dad keeps telling me everytime the topic come back.
While  Aunt was here, though, the topic of how aprents can be proud and stubborn, coming to decline tehri choldren's help, come out, and she said these words: "Yeah, I know.I remember when I told mum I found her this palce in rehab, but she shouted at me, cried she could stop to drink whenever she wanted because she wasn't a drunk."
She kind of stilled as she said so, porbbaly because she got that we weren't supposed to know that - Drew and me, at least.
Well, I shouldn't know, but, basically, I already knew that my grandmother had alcohol issues, even if both she and dad didn't know it, and still doesn't. mum told me, few years ago, during an outbrust, during a time she thought dad was cheating on her (come out the "other woman" was  the ex-wife of a friend, who kept begging him for help because she wanted to come back to her husband even if he was living with the former hooker he had been sleeping with for months. or so the gossip says) that she had gone to visit her during her last days, and she had been extremely embarassed because the doctor kept talking about alcohol-related health problems and she kept asking him why he was since she was suffering from cancer...
It's npt really that I need to know how to deal with this. I've kept this secret for years, even if soemtimes it's quite hard, and I feel kind of betrayed and cheated. It's just that... I've never talked about it before, you know? and there's this ground-rule, that we don't talk about it. But... I kind of needed, so here I am. well... was.
anyway, thank you for listening to whatever is reading it.
Dec. 27th, 2011 05:27 pm

back!

little_firestar: (Default)
so...
after a couple of days of relative peace, due to the presence of my aunt  (and her flatmate) at my place, things are back to square one.
meaning: mum is being theaten badly by grandparents, and so I'm the one left delaing with them. apparently, in the next few days, I'll have to deal with gp's relatives as well, aunts and uncles, and many of them aren't exactly nice. trust me on this (pearl of wisdom: Aunt A. grandma's sister, telling me, after I got an accident, that she "hasn't been like me that I was wrong, because she got so much money!" after I've ben hit by a car. hit by a car, 10 days in the hospital, two months of cast, and six months of rehab for the broken leg! - also, said grandma keeps stealing galnces at me while I'm writing this. It doesn't matter she barely speaks Italian, it's unconfortable. it's like having someoen looking at me while I'm in the bathroom. this is my private place, where no one from my family is allowed, so that I can ramble as much as I like!)
next few weeks, I'll have few appointments to see what can be done about my back, also because pain is getitng worst... we'll see. doctor who will see me us the same one who operated my leg and put two nails in my right knee- i think I'll remember him that, ten years ago, he lectired me because I was too fat and wasn't losing weight but putting it, while now I'm over 30 kg down (32, actually- I was 84 and now I'm 52, close to 51...)
Sissi's hetting better. last week cancerous mass on her leg got an infection, but the infection is almost gone right now... if we'll be lucky, we'll still have few months with her. she even could celebrate her 10th birthday in April.
little_firestar: (Default)
It's stilla mistery when I'll get to do my MRI, and meanwhile, the new theraphy against the pain they used stopped working. last two days, I've been back feeling awfully bad, pain is back to full force and I'm almost walking like a dog. not cool, at all.
AND, to make it better... last month, the husband of a cusine of my grandmother (I think secodn or third degree) died, and she got upset because nobody told her- like we could know. last time I checked, there was no such a things as psychs and she had been so evil and mean that she alienated herself from everyone she knew. we wrote to the family of this late man, a long letter full of swette (nad ttue, coming from my mum) words.
what we got? a note "Tank you.sorry to hear your parnets are sick." and the picures of her late husband.
with the name of the lasting member of the family written on the back of them. and obviously, they ddin't even ask us to bring them to the family, not said "we'd appreciated" or "thank you".
no, they assumed.
God, my family can be so lame...
little_firestar: (Default)
So, since there's no limit to how bad things can go- today, Sissi's drug sfor the tumor has caused a small gastric  hemorragy, nothing to be worried about, but we'll have to reduce the amount of drugs (hence, the cure will be longer than the average 3 months) seh is taking since thay've been the cause of the bleeding. AND ... other things, not good, definitely not good, happened (not to me, but to someone who's close to my family, at least by blood) and I suddenly found myself being quite the cynic and pessimistic  bitch about it...
little_firestar: (Default)


have you ever knew soemthing you weren't supposed to, because somone, in a moment of rage, spilled it?
I do.
I lost my grand-mother (dad's mother) when I was around 5 and an half. At the time, I didn't think too much of it. I didn't know she was sick, but, c'mon, I was five.  Who talks about this sort of things with a five years old (unless, of course, we're talking about Valeria Richards, smartest kid alive of themarvel Universe...).
Besides, she missed one leg because I knew she had been through soemthing with her bones. I've never asked. People didn't talk about it with me. I assumed she got cancer when she was younger and then, years later, it come back and killed her. I didn't asked. People never told me about it. It's just how things are around here, all botlled up and unshared.
But, nine yeras ago, my grand-father (mom's father) got turbecolosis. Not the pulmonar type, mind you, but he still got it. We got tested in case we'd been the one pasing it to him, and, although not infective, it come out my father had it, dormient.
Nothing weird about it, right? Right. Only, I 0verheard a chat he was having about how both he, one of his younger sister and his mother got it from a sick uncle. And how my grand-mother was hit in the bones, losing her leg in the process.So, no cancer. But I still kept it quiet, bacause it's how things are around here, all bottled up and unshared. Untill...
Untill, couple of years ago, after an extremely  enraged argument with my father, mum, while trying to calm down while talking with me, let it slipt soemthing I'm quite I wasn't supposed to find out.
She did of cirrhosis of the liver, because she was an alcoholic, and because of the alcohol, she even robbed a family she was working for, ending up in jail. (My mother found out about it the day of her funeral; she didn't care, she still doesn't, because, she says, it's with my afther she fell in love with, and he is one of the most honest people she has ever met, there are a good cahnce, though, that her parents knew, hence the "hate", not so hidden, they've always felt for my him.)
And I'm walking on eggshells here, because, well, I can't say I know when I hear my father talking about her, and I still can't thin that the nice lady who gave me my first bike was such a person... or, better yet, so different from the one I met when I was a kid.
But that's beyond the point. The point is I'm almost 30, and here I am, in a famly where thingsa r eall bottled up and unshared.
 


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