Lizzie's realm

I'm that close to having a nervous breakdown.
This morning I dared to ask if my brother Drew was ok with me taking next Thursday afternnon off, as I have some paperwork to deliver to our accountant to start the inheritance procedure for my grandfather; I also have to go the Automobile Assocaition (The Automibile Club Italy) to work on the passage from him to my mother and my grandmother, AND on the passage of the telephone and electrical bills from him to them.
(Also, I'd need to get the documents ready to ask for the artisanal excellency- but I hope I'll be able to do that on Monday, when I have my free day.)
I got called names. igot lectured, like I was expecting who knows what, words and tone laced with venom hissed from his mouth  "Yeah, like I've never covered for you!"
I just told him, because I needed to know if he had already other appointments, otherwise I would have rescheduled. I told him so that he would know that I NEED to do that and he wouldn't take any personal appointments. I wasn't odering him around. Wasn't expecting anything. I'm not even doing anything FOR ME. It's for the family, and it's something I'll not benefit from, as a grand-daughter, for the Italian Law and succession I may as well don't exist. I do that so others don't have to. And because, frankly, it's expected me to- as all I ever hear is, "Havent' you done it?" "What are you waiitng for?"  Like I didn't have a job that keeps me busy 6 days a week, with consuming hours.
I never ask for days oof. Not even when I'm sick. And then I got threated like that, called a vermin, a dick's head? And my mother ask me why i don't go to yoga or take that photography lessons I wanted to?
Because I don't have time. And because I would get lectured that they are pointless and don't have any usage in life, and frankly, I'm tires as it is of fighting for serious issues, I don0t feel like addind to the the pile of crap the little things.
I AM TIRED. TOO DAMN TIRED. AND WITH A DAMN KNOT IN MY THROAT MANACING TO ESCAPE AND MAKE ME CRY. AND I NEVER CRY.

 Family's really... a guessing game, sometimes (because I really don't know how else I am supposed to describe it).
Pick my aunts, for example. And I am saying this because I am quite... annoyed? Mad? Enraged? Ah. I can't even take a propeer adjective. 
What happened? Easy. It happened that my aunt Luise-daddy's youngest sister - has been a bitch (and I hope you'll forgive me my Franchesism).  Few months ago, she and my dad's other sister, Laura, got into a fight (in which Luise's husband got involved as well); my father, because he lives far from them (over 200 km) and because they are both his sisters (and frankly, none of them was completely right, nor wrong) didn't take a side.  Unfortunately, the fight escalated, and aunt Laura fought with Luise's husbands as well, said everything she thought about him (which isn't nice, nor has ever been. Despite her saying the contrary, I know that she has always, always spoken badly of him, and tried to get Luise to break up with him since 1996, when they started dating). My father didn't pick Laura's side; on the contrary, he remembered her that acting that way was just going to alienate their sister, and he didn't want that; he only got to see Luise once a year, best case scenario, and he didn't want to lose her. 
So, he decided to be the pacekeaper-also because he is the eldest, so, yeah, kind of feeling like it was his role, all right? 
So, he called. And called, and called... the phone always rang, and in the rare cases someone answered, it was always her husband. Either she wasn't there, or it was "sorry, I am losing you" and he hanged up and turned off the phone. And that, for months. We even met him at an exibition few months ago, and even if he acted with completely nonchalance and friendly (do you know, the stupid kind of way? All snaky smiles and pats on the back?), when asked about Luise, he answered that she was "Oh, somewhere, looking for a parking spot."
Really? Even if he had told her that she didn't need her driving license any longer now that she was married with him and her license had been expired for over a DECADE? Nice. I bet she was back home, but ehy, who knows. maybe she was driving around the city of Cuneo with her driving license expired, uncaring that, if discovered, the would have taken away her car and sold it...
But, anyway, were was I? Oh, yes, months and months of no contacts, no words. And, well, daddy is  alittle paranoid. And my brother Drew too. So, when you hear every day at the news (and yes, we do) about woemn found in refrigerators, killed by partner (2 times last week), if you are a little paranoid, you get depressed. And worried. And when you call and call and no one answers...
so, daddy took his car, drove for 200 km (with the excuse that he was going to see someone for a work-related thing) and knocked at her door.
And yeah, she was there, in her house in the middle of the forest (for real, I am not exagerating), and when she saw her older brother after almost two years, after having gone for almost one without hearing his voice, you know what she did?
She talked with him accross the yard, not even bothering to open the gate. with her whole "Yes, I received your mail, I received your fax, I received your messagges. No, I don't want to come and celebrate your 60th birthday with the rest of the family. No, I don't want to get involved with the rest of the family. Oh, wait, you expected me to at least giving you a sign that I was alive and answer with even just a text? Silly me..."
Yesterday evening, my father cried. HE CRIED. this sixty years old man, big and strong, he cried. Because he ahd tried to take the side of each sister, and he ahd ended up being shout out from Luise's life. 
Frankly, I don't care if she did it because her husband told her to, but... well, he wasn't there, so she could have at least talked. pretended to be nice, or... whatever you do with your brother. it's just...
If she is happy that way, all right, no problem. But you don't cut people out that way. You don't want tires any longer, want to cut them? You shout the door in their face. You tell them that you don't want to have nothing to do with them any longer. in their faces. 
So, yeah. People are messy. And families... even more so.

Things aren't good.
lately, I've spent more time argiung with the people around me, snapping at them, crying because of them, and as much as I could blame hormones, it's not on them, not completely, at least.
life sucks, that's all.
I'm living with people who can't stand me, hates me. I wish I'd grown up in a normal family, but I didn't, instead, I was looked after by a crazy old woamn - grandmother- who thought necessary expaling to a 8 years old how brothels worked, because at grandpa's time everyone visited them, him as well, and because all females where whores..
for a good part of my life, I idiolized my grandparents. I did, really. dad used to say that mum and me were going to die along with them, so much we loved them.  I've been around people piut into hopsices and such, abandoned them, and swore to never do that to them. so, when granddad got worse, we were more than hapy to taken them in with us, make them even a bigger part of our lives, ahving them close- closer.
but the bigger the love, the greatest the hate.
For two years, I've been told that my parents are bastards, and that I'm as well, that Drew is a retarded, I've been said that I'm a whore as well- apparently- all females nowadays are.
At least, tehey used to have the decency of talking about us at high voice at night, when we weren't supposed to hear, or between closed door.
now? grandmother INSULTED ME while at her doctor. dyabtes is getting worse, even if we know she don't pay attention and steal food from the kitchen just to get us worried, and at her last check up, she look at me disgusted the whole time, going on and on with the fact that I should live a war because she did, and I dare to look after cats and I sued toc are for my sick dog while they were at war, and so should I do as well. 
she wnats me to suffer war, death and all that jazz. her words: I HOPE YOU'LL GET TO SEE ANOTHER WORLD WAR., and she dared to call my aunt's girlfriend a male because she is sleeping with a woman.
mental issues are normal in her family, but unfrotunately, tehy often ended up getting dangerous - she almost hit me because I ahd put under charge my mobile in the living room, that's apparently hers.
I'm scared. and I'm a prisoner in my own home, sleeping with a locked door at night, becaus,e you never know

During Christmas break, my aunt and her flatmate and long-time friend (I've known Tricia my whole life, and is, pratically, like a real aunt for me) have come to visit for few days.
Most of the times, I've been more than happy, but... something happened that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about. Also because I think dad noticed it, and know... well, let's say I got some info I wasn't supposed to have and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with them.
My grandmother died when I was barely six. I didn't see her so much, since we lived at over 100 km of distance, and when she died, since she had lost long before I was born a leg, I assumed it was cancer - bone cancer. don't ask me if I just assumed it on my own or I was told. I don't know.  This is what I've beleived, and what I,m basically, was been told, untill few years ago. and what dad keeps telling me everytime the topic come back.
While  Aunt was here, though, the topic of how aprents can be proud and stubborn, coming to decline tehri choldren's help, come out, and she said these words: "Yeah, I know.I remember when I told mum I found her this palce in rehab, but she shouted at me, cried she could stop to drink whenever she wanted because she wasn't a drunk."
She kind of stilled as she said so, porbbaly because she got that we weren't supposed to know that - Drew and me, at least.
Well, I shouldn't know, but, basically, I already knew that my grandmother had alcohol issues, even if both she and dad didn't know it, and still doesn't. mum told me, few years ago, during an outbrust, during a time she thought dad was cheating on her (come out the "other woman" was  the ex-wife of a friend, who kept begging him for help because she wanted to come back to her husband even if he was living with the former hooker he had been sleeping with for months. or so the gossip says) that she had gone to visit her during her last days, and she had been extremely embarassed because the doctor kept talking about alcohol-related health problems and she kept asking him why he was since she was suffering from cancer...
It's npt really that I need to know how to deal with this. I've kept this secret for years, even if soemtimes it's quite hard, and I feel kind of betrayed and cheated. It's just that... I've never talked about it before, you know? and there's this ground-rule, that we don't talk about it. But... I kind of needed, so here I am. well... was.
anyway, thank you for listening to whatever is reading it.

It's stilla mistery when I'll get to do my MRI, and meanwhile, the new theraphy against the pain they used stopped working. last two days, I've been back feeling awfully bad, pain is back to full force and I'm almost walking like a dog. not cool, at all.
AND, to make it better... last month, the husband of a cusine of my grandmother (I think secodn or third degree) died, and she got upset because nobody told her- like we could know. last time I checked, there was no such a things as psychs and she had been so evil and mean that she alienated herself from everyone she knew. we wrote to the family of this late man, a long letter full of swette (nad ttue, coming from my mum) words.
what we got? a note "Tank you.sorry to hear your parnets are sick." and the picures of her late husband.
with the name of the lasting member of the family written on the back of them. and obviously, they ddin't even ask us to bring them to the family, not said "we'd appreciated" or "thank you".
no, they assumed.
God, my family can be so lame...