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Nov. 15th, 2010 10:39 am
I'm not sure I can take it any longer...
I'm not sure I ca take it any longer, and as much as I'd like to tell you all that I'm kidding, I'm not.
half lies, half truths, everybody tells me something, then they tell me the opposite. and the others? They deny, they tell other stuff.
I'm serioulsy feel like pulled into thousands of differents directions. everybody wants a piece of me. everybody pretned to have the only thruth. everybody wnats for me to agree with them. But, yet, they don't talk. half lies, half truths, half confessions.
they want to tell me the truth, they tell me they know the truth, and they expect me to behave as nothing happened. I should be nice and perfect. and then, they tell me what an awful person I am, because I'm not nice, because I don't "act normal", because "You are unpolite with me", because I don't look after myself, I don't take care of my imagine as I should.
Menawhile, I have to del with problems dealing with my persona (I'm single and apparently they fact that I'm not providing heirs isn't a good thing, My family isn't exactly normal, forget that my family isn't normal- and I'm not amking this up) the job isn't doing well. my grandparents come to live with us, and tehy don't get along with their own only daughter...
basically, they are thr problem.
they have alway treatened my mother like a slave, and not like a daughter. one week after finishing high school, they threatened her like shit because she hadn't foind ajob yet (she then moved more than 200 km from home, and guess what? when she got promoted, they forced her to come back home because tehy feared she could have sex...) and the same they have done with us all.
they have asked "people" to investigate of the whereabouts of my father, before they got married, and they always assumed he was a former convicted- even if it was a second degree unclee (he had hit once his wife) to be a con in the first place. my mother even went into depression, because they kept fighting him and acting bad with him, and before the marriage she arrived to weight 35 kg. at 20 years.
they didn't allow her to take a babisutter, and decided that they were going to watch over me. the resoult? they've the one ordering usa rpund untill they grew me up. i swear, soemtimes I didn't even saw my parents for days. but it was ok, apparently.
then, my brother come. they were older. they were getting ill. my mother offered to buy the house nxt to theirs, so that we could watch over each other. they refused., because "we're indipendent".
but now they are no longer indipendent, they are with us and they threat us like shit. and my beloved cat is gone, don't ask me why, where or how. mum says her parents told terrible thigs about us, that they probably ended up killing her (the cat, Minni) and she is usre that "they are plotting to killl us either, because they never care about us in the first place and they think that with money they can buy everything". which is true, they do think that (there's nothing my grandfather loves more than money).
menawhile, job sucks- AND guess who's to blame? yep, the one who had decided to take this activity in the first place, destroying everybody's life, life sucks, and I haven't had a free day in a WHOLE YEAR. i woild like to go to a spa for a weekend, but I work in the weekend, and besides "who's gonne buy your grandparent's medicines? who's gonna check her sugar in the blood? who's gonne prepare her insuline?" and so on.-untill my mother's "are you really going to leave me there with them? why do you hate me? why do you behave such way?"
And, seriosuly, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. and I'm not joking. and you know those one who contemplate self-annihilation? (yes, I'm talking about that kind of self-annihilation,) I'm thibnking about it.
what scares me is that I already planned how to do it. and that I could acrtually menage it.
half lies, half truths, everybody tells me something, then they tell me the opposite. and the others? They deny, they tell other stuff.
I'm serioulsy feel like pulled into thousands of differents directions. everybody wants a piece of me. everybody pretned to have the only thruth. everybody wnats for me to agree with them. But, yet, they don't talk. half lies, half truths, half confessions.
they want to tell me the truth, they tell me they know the truth, and they expect me to behave as nothing happened. I should be nice and perfect. and then, they tell me what an awful person I am, because I'm not nice, because I don't "act normal", because "You are unpolite with me", because I don't look after myself, I don't take care of my imagine as I should.
Menawhile, I have to del with problems dealing with my persona (I'm single and apparently they fact that I'm not providing heirs isn't a good thing, My family isn't exactly normal, forget that my family isn't normal- and I'm not amking this up) the job isn't doing well. my grandparents come to live with us, and tehy don't get along with their own only daughter...
basically, they are thr problem.
they have alway treatened my mother like a slave, and not like a daughter. one week after finishing high school, they threatened her like shit because she hadn't foind ajob yet (she then moved more than 200 km from home, and guess what? when she got promoted, they forced her to come back home because tehy feared she could have sex...) and the same they have done with us all.
they have asked "people" to investigate of the whereabouts of my father, before they got married, and they always assumed he was a former convicted- even if it was a second degree unclee (he had hit once his wife) to be a con in the first place. my mother even went into depression, because they kept fighting him and acting bad with him, and before the marriage she arrived to weight 35 kg. at 20 years.
they didn't allow her to take a babisutter, and decided that they were going to watch over me. the resoult? they've the one ordering usa rpund untill they grew me up. i swear, soemtimes I didn't even saw my parents for days. but it was ok, apparently.
then, my brother come. they were older. they were getting ill. my mother offered to buy the house nxt to theirs, so that we could watch over each other. they refused., because "we're indipendent".
but now they are no longer indipendent, they are with us and they threat us like shit. and my beloved cat is gone, don't ask me why, where or how. mum says her parents told terrible thigs about us, that they probably ended up killing her (the cat, Minni) and she is usre that "they are plotting to killl us either, because they never care about us in the first place and they think that with money they can buy everything". which is true, they do think that (there's nothing my grandfather loves more than money).
menawhile, job sucks- AND guess who's to blame? yep, the one who had decided to take this activity in the first place, destroying everybody's life, life sucks, and I haven't had a free day in a WHOLE YEAR. i woild like to go to a spa for a weekend, but I work in the weekend, and besides "who's gonne buy your grandparent's medicines? who's gonna check her sugar in the blood? who's gonne prepare her insuline?" and so on.-untill my mother's "are you really going to leave me there with them? why do you hate me? why do you behave such way?"
And, seriosuly, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. and I'm not joking. and you know those one who contemplate self-annihilation? (yes, I'm talking about that kind of self-annihilation,) I'm thibnking about it.
what scares me is that I already planned how to do it. and that I could acrtually menage it.